Right now, i know exactly how you feel. I know exactly why you’re still around, hoping. I might say that a lot of the girls I know have been there. You are not the martyr type, close to it, but no. Because he was just good to you. I know that there are things that you just want to prove to him and leaving him will not be an option.
I know that you wanted him to be proud of you. I know that you wanted him to hold your hand in front of friends, his friends. I know that you wanted to hear him say those words all the time, or call you at lunch time, or any time just to show he cares. I know that you almost begged for his time. I know that you don’t need a lot but at least enough. I feel you.
I know that you are hurt most of the time and you wanted him to comfort you. I understand how you feel. I know that you prayed that he might, someday, fight for you when everyone is beating you down. I know that you just wanted him to be around when no one is. I know that you just wish he feels when you’re just deep in life’s shit. I know that you wanted to be yourself around him, or him to be himself when you’re together. I know that you hoped one day it will be like the fairy tale you have believed in since you were small.
I know that you are almost losing yourself. I mean, you are not the same person as you were before. You can’t just last a day without thinking of him. You lost weight drastically because you’re afraid he might leave you. You learned to cook just to please him. You do the laundry just to take care of him. You do things you never did before. You’re changing. I know how it feels.
I know exactly how it feels. I know how scared you are right now to lose him. I know the fear you’ve been hiding, the fear that one day you’ll wake up alone, or he might have found another, or worse, back with his past. I know that you are scared of crying again like you did before. I know that you’re scared to know that what they’ve been telling you is true. That what you’re trying to fight for is going to end up to nothing. I know that you’re scared of ending up to nothing.
But I know that you have your reasons to stay. That you want him to know that unconditional love exists. I know that you just wanted to be around him as long as he needs you. I know that you are still so eager to stay and at the end give them that middle finger. I know that no matter what happens you know you loved him and you will never regret the time you spent and it was never wasted. I know that you are strong enough to stand beside him or after he leaves. I know you’ll get and take more pain, but I know your soul. She smiles when hurt and learns to stand up every time. She struggles to fight for whatever she thinks can make her happy. And I know making him happy is what its about.
I swear I know just about how you feel. I want you to get back to your old self. I want you to be that strong-willed girl who never relied on to any man. I want you to start believing again. That you are beautiful. That you can stand up by your own and that he will just be there if he really loves you. Losing weight is not to show him or prove him anything. You have a dream, do it for that dream. I want you to dream again. I want you to get out of his shadow.I want you to go to place, with or without him. I want you to know that, if he loves you, you will never feel such pain. That if he really cares, you don’t need to beg. It does not mean that he doesn’t care, he might have different way of showing it. I want you to love yourself more. I want you to feel secure of yourself. I want you to know that I am proud of you and I think what you showed him is enough to be called love. Now, I want you to show me enough love for yourself. I want you to not cry anymore. And I am not asking you to leave, I just want you to stay happy.
Your Old Self